"Well Ms. Wright, the results are in. You are...

...insulin resistant which also means you are pre-diabetic." wait, what!?! i came in to see how my thyroid levels were doing and you tell me i'm...what? no, no, no, no, no, no, no. this can't be happening. i mean, i know i'm overweight, but not to the point that i could potentially be diagnosed with diabetes, surely you've mistaken my chart with someone else's...

when...how did i let things get so out of control? and any way, for the past month i've been working my butt off eating right and exercising. i've been improving my health, not making it worse...

he continues, telling me something about high testosterone levels and high levels of fatty cells in my liver...none of which are "life threatening", but we'll need to put you on medication to regulate these issues.

doc then rambles on about some important facts, blood work, follow up visits, things i can do to counteract current issues from progressing to a full-on diagnosis of diabetes...i should really be paying attention and take this all in. with a "calm" appearance i look at him, focused on his mouth as he forms each word, but all i'm hearing is the voice in my head freaking out...and she screams.

i smile and nod, accept the pamphlet he hands me, agree to take the new meds that will help my body do what it needs to do to "fix" the issues, make a follow up appointment, and i'm on my way.

once in my car and back on my way to work, i immediately call my parents to inform them of my findings. both a little shocked and concerned but "you're already making positive changes, you can beat this!". I get to work with just enough time to have a sit-down with my boss to let him know what's going on with me before i turn around and leave so that i can meet my appointment time with my other doctor. all is well with that visit and i head home.

i go to dad's to start dinner. cooking, alone with my thoughts, i worry what the future holds. "even if i lose a significant amount of weight and am once again insulin tolerrant, how do i know that i won't be diagnosed "diabetic" further down the road?", "i don't want to lose my fingers and legs to this beast like my poor Granddaddy did. i'm not ready to die..."

i feel heavy, like a weight has been put on my shoulders, am mentally exhausted, and it feels like a huge knot has formed in the pit of my stomach...sleep seems like a nice escape.

after dinner i head to mom's. i shower and finally, i break down. as the water falls on my face, tears escape my eyes. they come so forcefully that i'm left gasping for air. i finish up, compose myself, and plop on the couch next to mom. i look at the tv but i don't watch it. i zone out as too many thoughts race through my mind, each one furiously demanding my attention. she's totally into her show. i sit, silently crying...she doesn't even notice.

i decide it's finally time to attempt sleep so i leave without a word and make my way to my room. alone with my thoughts once again, i break down in tears. i am now utterly and completely worn out, i've had enough for one day. surely a good nights rest can mend my mind...

g'nite readers. wish me luck!