change of meds...

today i went to the doc to see if we needed to adjust the dosage of my meds, change them up completely, or just lock me up in the looney-bin (its ok, you can laugh, it was a joke). after quite a thorough discussion with me and my mom both, she decided that the depression meds and the bipolar meds weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing after a year's worth of time...so she up and entirely changed my prescriptions, all of them, even the dosage of my thyroid medication. apparently the results of my last blood test showed that my thyroid levels are currently residing at an unacceptable place, which could be part of the blame of my current condition.

of course when you see the doc you always, ALWAYS step on the "scale of doom" to see how much you've gained or lost....or gained. today was a frustrating day for me, for i found out that i've gained 10 lbs since my last visit to her in April. WHAT?!? when did this happen and why didn't i know about it? i mean yeah, i've noticed that my face looks a little bit thicker lately, but why haven't i noticed so much in the clothing department? seriously though! so she decided it was time, yet again, for the "what are we gonna do about this extra weight?" talk and reminded me that if i don't watch it i could easily end up diabetic. DIABETIC? i think not! my grandfather was literally eaten away by diabetes (he lost both his legs and a finger) and i'll be damned (pardon my french) if i let this "creature" take me too. diabetes is a terrible disease and its one less thing that this poor, messed up body/mind of mine needs to deal with. no thank you sister, next please! so she suggested that i make a visit to an endochrinologist to check out my glands and maybe they can slap me around enough to get this weight off my body (i.e. diet & exercise in-store for sweet darling rachel...ugh!).

i'm 27 and falling apart, this is SOO not cool.

let's just hope that the new meds do what they're supposed to do and that i can actually stick to some sort of meal & workout regimen.

Operation: Body & Mind...Go. Go. Go!



...and as always, please say a little pray for me and my family that we all might get through this.

thank you and g'nite.

happy belated father's day...

(that's my dad over there -> with his new bike helmet he got for father's day...way to rock it Pop!)

7:20-ish a.m., i was greeted into the new day by the hired lawn crew at the model homes that just so happen to be directly across the street from us. it's saturday people, the one day out of the week that i get to sleep in...cut a gal a break, that mess can wait 'til later.

my sister and my nephew dropped by for breakfast. we hung out for a bit then made a quick run to Tuesday Morning where i bought one more set of my new plates. so exciting! then it was home to get ourselves dressed and headed off to my cousin's wedding shower. good gosh it was a scorcher today!! just our luck, the house that the shower was thrown at felt like there was absolutely NO air circulating throughout. we were sweltering and sweating with the best of 'em, but she had a good turn out and ended up scoring pretty good in the loot department. fortunately i was too hot to remember how sad/jealous i was that its she getting married and not i, so i didn't cry once today. woo hoo!!

we got home just in time to head off to dinner with dad for his belated father's day. as i mentioned in a previous post he was off on a kayaking trip this past week. today was the best day for us all to celebrate, so we took him to dinner at Pappa's Seafood where we stuffed our bellies so full we swore they were about to burst.

all in all today was a "good day". though my family might drive me crazy at times, i think they are also the best remedy to cheer me up.

this girl is sleepy and needs her beauty rest. peace out! ;o)

the fall of a king...

i was driving home from work last night when i heard the news that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop himself, had suffered a cardiac arrest. less than an hour later they announced his death. it was a tragedy that his life ended so early, he was only 50 yrs old. this man, despite all the accusations and oddities of the later years in his life, had the ability to create masterpieces for our minds and ears. it's sad to say he's gone, but he left his thumbprint on the world with his music and for that he will always be remembered.

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it's friday. i'm still so tired. what's new...

i remember a time when i used to be happy, when the world was my canvas, mine to paint and create. i miss the innocence of being a child, of not having any worries, and the days when mom & dad could fix everything. the comfort of being in their arms and a kiss made the world a better place, it was as if they had magical powers. its still nice to get a hug and a kiss from them, yet somehow they've lost their "magic" to heal every hurt and bruise that i come across in my life. i thank you mom and dad for all the magic you've showered on me over the years!

i watched my nephew Reese last night while my sister and brother-in-law went to a retirement party. that little boy brightens up even the ugliest of my days. he's always doing something to make me laugh. he's such a perfect little person with not only a beautiful face, but also a beautiful soul.

since dad was out of town for Father's Day, we're celebrating it with him tomorrow night. not quite sure where we're going to eat just yet, but i'm sure it'll be something delectible!

my younger cousin is getting married in a few months; going to one of her showers tomorrow...oh how i'm looking forward to it, NOT! please don't get me wrong because i'm really happy for her, i am...but the jealousy i feel for her getting married before me overrides the happy. it's not fair. life isn't fair. is there some rule that i'm not aware of that says "if you want something bad enough, you just won't get it"? seriously though, i don't think theres another human being who wants to be married with a family as bad as i do. everyone says enjoy being single while you can, this is YOUR time. well you know what? i've had 27 yrs of MY time and i'm tired of the solitude. doing everything alone isn't all its cracked up to be. i'm ready to share "my time" with someone else. apparently what i want for me isn't coinciding with what God wants for me. so what is it that He wants for/from me anyway, because i'm not seeing it. what is His plan for Rachel? i'm floundering here, i need a push and a shove in the right direction because i'm so completely lost its not even funny.

whew! settle down sister, take it easy...i think i better stop blogging for now.

later.

hopes of a brand new day...

so today was pretty uneventful. i somehow numbed my feelings causing me to neither be happy or sad. i was just there. a living, breathing being occupying one cubicle in an office where those around me busied themselves, progressing through the piles of work on their desks.

for me, time seemed to drag. the intensity of my feelings and moods are wearing me out leaving me exhausted. it just feels like the days are getting longer and longer, especially when you can't focus for more than 5 minutes to get your work done. tomorrow is friday and i hope knowing that the weekend is at the cusp of my sleeves, i'll be able to buckle down and show those invoices who's boss...then again it might make my focus THAT much worse.

some of you probably wonder why i even bother with this blog a.) because it bores you, b.) it bothers you, or c.) has no effect on you what-so-ever, but this blog serves as a therapy of sorts for me. it allows me to release the negativity and worries that i deal with on a daily basis, and it helps give you a little insight into the world and life of one variation of bipolar. maybe we all have something to learn from this. maybe you can help me get beyond this turmoil of the here and now, and in turn i can help you learn more about the disorder.

i must say that i have a much appreciated handful of people in my life that are doing all they can to help me seek the proper help i need. they know who they are and to you...i am thankful. surely we can pull through this together.

i'm super tired so i'm calling it a night.

tomorrow is a brand new day.
keep your fingers crossed that its a good one.

g'nite.

the morning after...

i woke up this morning in a good mood, not a "high", but just good. and i'm still extremely tired from yesterdays episode.

i've decided that i probably need to start seeing my therapist on a regular basis again and maybe, in correlation to that, i might need to seek out a support group. it might be interesting to see how others deal, or not deal, with this same issue.

this hasn't been something that i would've chosen for myself, but it's my journey and i'm going to do all i can to better myself and get through each day to the best of my ability, whatever that might mean.

i'll post something this evening to let you know if today was a success or disaster. lets pray that today is a good day.

thanks.

how do i even begin to explain this...

so i'm bipolar. what is that? you ask...it's hard to give it a definite definition but in short it's a chemical imbalance that causes severe mood swings at any given moment. on the Abilify site, it defines bipolar disorder as such, "People with Bipolar Disorder experience extreme mood swings that can take three different forms: manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. Symptoms can include both a lowering of mood (depression) and an exaggerated elevation of mood (mania)". some of the known symptoms, that i relate to, are:

* Being easily distracted (your attention shifts between many topics in just a few minutes)
* Racing thoughts
* Risky or impulsive behavior, like sexual promiscuity or excessive spending sprees
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a
specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

(to learn more about this disorder, check out the site for abilify)

i was diagnosed a little over a year ago and i've had my fair share of episodes. i take the medication Abilify to regulate the moods and symptoms. i typically try not to make it known that i struggle with this disorder and tend to keep it to myself when things get bad. maybe this is why i keep to myself a lot. i'm very self-conscious about this situation and somewhat embarrassed by it, but the episodes are getting worse again and getting harder to hide, so i figured i would try to explain/describe to you how life is for me on a daily basis so maybe you can better understand me and my actions.

today for example:
i woke up in an extremely good mood, something that i rarely experience as of late. i get to work and things are going good; i'm smiling, cutting up with people, and being super productive...then out of nowhere *-BAM-* a switch has been flipped and i'm bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. i tell myself to just sit tight because this will pass in a moment, but it doesn't. for three hours straight i've sat at my desk sobbing, so much that i have salt residue stuck to the underside of my chin (i checked this in the restroom mirror on my way out), its like i'm at war with a demon, or several, in my mind. thoughts are racing, dark-negative thoughts that i just can't ditch. i want to crawl out of my skin. rip my brain open and pull all the mess out. something....help!!! i've had all i can take. i'm worn out and exhausted so i leave work an hour early.

i conversed with my mom while all of this was going on and i decided that perhaps its time to visit my doctor again, maybe we need to adjust the dosage. i tried to see her today but she's out for the week, soooo i set a time to see her on this coming monday. wish us all luck that we can resolve this issue quick and easy. i say "resolve" like theres a finite soultion, this will never completely go away but i hope that we can make me feel a bit more "normal" and rational again.

this disorder leaves me feeling hopeless and misunderstood, because honestly, how can you relate if you aren't dealing with this yourself?

i worry that this will effect my ability to keep a full-time job.
i worry that this will keep me from experiencing life to the fullest.
i worry that this will keep me from ever being truly happy.
i worry that this will effect my family and my relationship with them and my friends.
i just want to feel "normal" again.

if you have any questions for me, about any of this, please feel free to ask.
as for now i'm tired and i have to wake up in 6 1/2 hours so i better get to bed.

g'nite.

an unusually good start...

i woke up in an unusually good mood this morning, not sure what thats all about but i'm not complaining.

i have an appointment with my therapist, Beth Wade @ Memorial Church of Chirst, coming up on July 16. can't wait, we have so much to talk about and discuss. hopefully she can help get me out of this perpetual funk that has become my life. contrary to most of your beliefs, i really don't like being so pessimistic all the time. the interesting thing is, and i was thinking about this the other day, is that i didn't used to be like this. i can remember back in the day, high school especially, people would ask me why i smiled so much. i don't know if it was because i was trying to over-compensate for the fact that i was truly sad inside or if i was just THAT happy to be around other people my age and away from the turmoil at home. i used to have such high hopes and dreams for myself, now i'm some-what satisfied if i can make it through the day with a smile on my face. i want to get back to that place where i look forward to each new day and what it might bring me...perhaps i'll find it again one day.

i haven't been the best Christian i can be either. i know that i'm lacking in a lot of areas in my life, but this is one area that i should be on top of my game as much as possible. i don't read my Bible or pray regularly enough. i don't do enough for other people, heck i barely do enough for me other than dwell on the negatives and what i don't have. i want to be strong again. i used to actually attend every service/function/event that our Church held...now i do good to make Sunday mornings. i don't quite know when i fell away, but its time to get back into the swing of things.

if you pray, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as i'm on this journey to meld the old me with the new me, to find my place in this world and try to find the sane/rational Rachel again.

hope you have a super day. make it worthwhile for we aren't promised another moment to make memories and brighten someone's day.

much love, rae

Patch sitting...

while Dad's away on a kayaking trip I've been left to dog/house sit for the week. Patch is a wonderful sleeping buddy, and its nice to have someone/thing get so excited to see you when you get home. He's my li'l brother, in a sense, and i love him dearly. Here's a pic of my sweet little buddy...

what's a girl to do...

I'm 27 yrs old and I have a good job, they really take care of me where I'm at, but I'm just not satisfied. Is this what being an adult is all about, settling for something average/mediocre just to survive? Don't get me wrong, I know that I have a lot (i.e. a wonderful family, a job, a car, a house, etc...) but there are things in life that I feel like I'm missing out on. I want a job that I actually enjoy and can't wait to get to. I want a husband and a family of my own. I want to be financially stable (and thensome).

I want to do something in music (sing) or art, sans teaching...but how do you find the cool jobs and be successful in these industries without being "famous"?

I'd love to sing but I tend to hold myself back because of my weight. Why do I do that you ask? Because the media & masses flock to skinny like white on rice. It's more "appealing" if a pretty voice comes from a pretty package...and well, I just don't fit the typical popular package. So what do I do? Instead of allowing others to douse me with their negativity, I drown myself in my own, instead of fixing the issue. I somehow lack the motivation and devotion one needs to lose weight and keep it off. It'll be a miracle if I ever get & stay under 200 lbs.

I also blame my weight as the reason I've never had a serious, meaningful relationship. After so many years of rejection and never knowing what it's like to be "in-love", you have to wonder why? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a mutant that's just incapable of being wanted & loved? All I want is one, ONE, man out of the bajillion on this planet to pick me to spend the rest of their lives with. Someone who shares the same hopes and dreams as me, someone who wants to create life with me (yes, I mean children). So I'm 27 and so completely far from skinny its not even funny so we'll just call ourselves "fat", and the majority of my friends and family are married (with children), engaged, or are in a committed/serious relationship. Let me tell you how much fun it is to watch everyone around you experience life while you sit on the sidelines waiting your turn...a turn that isn't guaranteed...

UGH!!!

I'm just ready for new pages and chapters to begin and old ones to end in my life.

Perhaps I won't always rant on here. Perhaps I'll occasionally have that rare "happy" day and enlighten you with something uplifting...but as for this very hour of this very day...I'm one sad, lost, and confused Rae, and i just need to rant.