how do i even begin to explain this...

so i'm bipolar. what is that? you ask...it's hard to give it a definite definition but in short it's a chemical imbalance that causes severe mood swings at any given moment. on the Abilify site, it defines bipolar disorder as such, "People with Bipolar Disorder experience extreme mood swings that can take three different forms: manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. Symptoms can include both a lowering of mood (depression) and an exaggerated elevation of mood (mania)". some of the known symptoms, that i relate to, are:

* Being easily distracted (your attention shifts between many topics in just a few minutes)
* Racing thoughts
* Risky or impulsive behavior, like sexual promiscuity or excessive spending sprees
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a
specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

(to learn more about this disorder, check out the site for abilify)

i was diagnosed a little over a year ago and i've had my fair share of episodes. i take the medication Abilify to regulate the moods and symptoms. i typically try not to make it known that i struggle with this disorder and tend to keep it to myself when things get bad. maybe this is why i keep to myself a lot. i'm very self-conscious about this situation and somewhat embarrassed by it, but the episodes are getting worse again and getting harder to hide, so i figured i would try to explain/describe to you how life is for me on a daily basis so maybe you can better understand me and my actions.

today for example:
i woke up in an extremely good mood, something that i rarely experience as of late. i get to work and things are going good; i'm smiling, cutting up with people, and being super productive...then out of nowhere *-BAM-* a switch has been flipped and i'm bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. i tell myself to just sit tight because this will pass in a moment, but it doesn't. for three hours straight i've sat at my desk sobbing, so much that i have salt residue stuck to the underside of my chin (i checked this in the restroom mirror on my way out), its like i'm at war with a demon, or several, in my mind. thoughts are racing, dark-negative thoughts that i just can't ditch. i want to crawl out of my skin. rip my brain open and pull all the mess out. something....help!!! i've had all i can take. i'm worn out and exhausted so i leave work an hour early.

i conversed with my mom while all of this was going on and i decided that perhaps its time to visit my doctor again, maybe we need to adjust the dosage. i tried to see her today but she's out for the week, soooo i set a time to see her on this coming monday. wish us all luck that we can resolve this issue quick and easy. i say "resolve" like theres a finite soultion, this will never completely go away but i hope that we can make me feel a bit more "normal" and rational again.

this disorder leaves me feeling hopeless and misunderstood, because honestly, how can you relate if you aren't dealing with this yourself?

i worry that this will effect my ability to keep a full-time job.
i worry that this will keep me from experiencing life to the fullest.
i worry that this will keep me from ever being truly happy.
i worry that this will effect my family and my relationship with them and my friends.
i just want to feel "normal" again.

if you have any questions for me, about any of this, please feel free to ask.
as for now i'm tired and i have to wake up in 6 1/2 hours so i better get to bed.

g'nite.