"Well Ms. Wright, the results are in. You are...

...insulin resistant which also means you are pre-diabetic." wait, what!?! i came in to see how my thyroid levels were doing and you tell me i'm...what? no, no, no, no, no, no, no. this can't be happening. i mean, i know i'm overweight, but not to the point that i could potentially be diagnosed with diabetes, surely you've mistaken my chart with someone else's...

when...how did i let things get so out of control? and any way, for the past month i've been working my butt off eating right and exercising. i've been improving my health, not making it worse...

he continues, telling me something about high testosterone levels and high levels of fatty cells in my liver...none of which are "life threatening", but we'll need to put you on medication to regulate these issues.

doc then rambles on about some important facts, blood work, follow up visits, things i can do to counteract current issues from progressing to a full-on diagnosis of diabetes...i should really be paying attention and take this all in. with a "calm" appearance i look at him, focused on his mouth as he forms each word, but all i'm hearing is the voice in my head freaking out...and she screams.

i smile and nod, accept the pamphlet he hands me, agree to take the new meds that will help my body do what it needs to do to "fix" the issues, make a follow up appointment, and i'm on my way.

once in my car and back on my way to work, i immediately call my parents to inform them of my findings. both a little shocked and concerned but "you're already making positive changes, you can beat this!". I get to work with just enough time to have a sit-down with my boss to let him know what's going on with me before i turn around and leave so that i can meet my appointment time with my other doctor. all is well with that visit and i head home.

i go to dad's to start dinner. cooking, alone with my thoughts, i worry what the future holds. "even if i lose a significant amount of weight and am once again insulin tolerrant, how do i know that i won't be diagnosed "diabetic" further down the road?", "i don't want to lose my fingers and legs to this beast like my poor Granddaddy did. i'm not ready to die..."

i feel heavy, like a weight has been put on my shoulders, am mentally exhausted, and it feels like a huge knot has formed in the pit of my stomach...sleep seems like a nice escape.

after dinner i head to mom's. i shower and finally, i break down. as the water falls on my face, tears escape my eyes. they come so forcefully that i'm left gasping for air. i finish up, compose myself, and plop on the couch next to mom. i look at the tv but i don't watch it. i zone out as too many thoughts race through my mind, each one furiously demanding my attention. she's totally into her show. i sit, silently crying...she doesn't even notice.

i decide it's finally time to attempt sleep so i leave without a word and make my way to my room. alone with my thoughts once again, i break down in tears. i am now utterly and completely worn out, i've had enough for one day. surely a good nights rest can mend my mind...

g'nite readers. wish me luck!

Ms. Diagnosed...

hello again! it's been a while hasn't it...sorry for disappearing on you. i'll try not to let so many days go by between posts from here on out. pinkie swear! ;o)

so i guess you're wondering how the overnight oximetry turned out? test results: nothing out of the ordinary, all in all the readings were pretty normal. good news right? so i went back to the doctor to see about changing up the meds since i was, and still am, having an extremely difficult time waking up in the mornings and feeling sluggish throughout the majority of the day AND i was having some anxiety issues along with obsessive compulsive acts (i.e. biting my nails even though they are nubs and picking at my face). BUT she (doctor) and I have tried numerous pill concoctions over the years and she doesn't feel comfortable mixing and matching medications any more, so she referred me to see Dr. Ahmed, a medical specialist, who knows a lot about medicines and how they react with each other and is very studied in the psychiatric field.

i arrive at my appointment a little nervous and apprehensive because honestly, at this point i feel like there isn't much hope in fixing my issues, so why bother? whats this guy gonna do for me that she couldn't? but after an hour and a half of sitting in the lobby i finally get called back to see him. we discuss a bit of why i came to see him (bipolar, obsessive tendencies, excessive sleepiness, to FIX me!?!, etc...) and some of my history. within 15-20 mins he concludes that i am in fact NOT bipolar but am, and have been, suffering with the frustration and exhaustion of battling an untreated case of A.D.D.

whew, what a relief! so thats it, we've been treating the wrong thing! this explains a lot...like how i get uber excited when starting new projects but have the hardest time staying focused/on task to finish them. why i have such a hard time focusing in a classroom setting. why i'm running late to work all the time. why i feel so insecure about myself. he says that more than likely i've had it the majority of my life and have some how learned to cope with it in different situations (i.e. school, work, etc) but because its been untreated, my mind has grown tired and frustrated with the lack of help. since it seemed he knew what he was talking about i felt more at ease, more hopeful that together we could fix the problem. i was told that the treatment of A.D.D. is 20% meds and 80% talking things out with a therapist. so i will continue seeing both he and Beth (therapist) every few weeks for a while until things straighten themselves out.

as an extra diagnostic precaution, he scheduled me for an actual sleep test so we can once and for all be certain i am not struggling with sleep apnea and/or see if there are any neurological issues to address. I did the test last friday night and got very little sleep. i doubt that i was even asleep long enough for them to get a proper reading, but thats what they get for telling me to sleep on my back which i NEVER do. i'm a side/belly sleeper so when i would wake up to re-adjust my position in bed, i reminded myself that the technician would be in to turn me back on to my backside if i moved, so i would just lay there uncomfortable and awake until i fell asleep again...what felt like 3 hours later. i go see Dr. Ahmed (medical specialist) tomorrow to get the results from the sleep study and discuss my current medicine combination. (more on this tomorrow)

******************************************************

lately i've been quite the optimist. this is an unusual occurrence from my typical pessimist self, but i must say i enjoy it. life just taste better when you rid it of all the bitterness we create. instead of rushing around and stressing myself out over silly nonsense, i take more time to live in the here and now and truly enjoy the wonderfulness that is my life. i kid you not, i have it pretty good. i have my health, a family that loves me despise all my weird quirks, a handful of close friends, and most importantly i'm repairing my relationship with God. for a while i chose to ignore Him and what He had to say. i blindly walked down life's road confident that i could do things on my own without Him. but that landed me face first in a muddy pit where life seldom seemed worth living. recently something sparked a change within and i have since wiped the mud out of my eyes and realized that I do need Him far much more than i ever knew. and do you know what? He was there waiting on me to come around the whole time, waiting at the edge of the pit ready to lift me out the second i asked for His help. I try to see the good in everything that i can and leave the negative thoughts in the past. who has time for the bad when there is so much good to see and do!?!

in the not so distant past i struggled with jealousy & envy. "everyone" had what i wanted. life "never" worked out for me. why did they get things and not me? i can't say that i've found the answer to that yet, but i do know that the Lord will only give us as much as we can handle and i believe and have faith that He knows exactly what we need, and will provide accordingly. all we have to do is pray and give it to Him. "knock, and the door will be opened. ask, and ye shall receive."

i'm not trying to preach to you, only to enlighten you of my own recent epiphany. life is too short and too precious to carry the weight of worry, jealousy, and envy. we have to be happy with what we have. accept the things we can not change and change the things we can. nobody stops us from achieving our wildest dreams. only we have the power to say what we can and can not do. this is mostly directed at myself, a daily reminder to me if you will.

i guess thats about it for now. why not share a smile with a stranger today. you might just be the light that clears the muck and gloom from their world, if even for one second! ;o)

Overnight Oximetry...

i had an appointment with the doc yesterday and she decided we need to do an overnight oximetry on me; this will test my blood's oxygen saturation level while i'm sleeping. the test will help us determine if i have sleep apnea and if so allow us to take the proper steps to correct this issue. a major part in this process, and something i should be focusing on 24/7 any way, is weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. i'm 27 yrs old. i shouldn't be so unhealthy that i'm not breathing right during sleep...if indeed this is the case. when did this even happen? i don't "feel" that unhealthy. but the scale doesn't lie, nor the fact that i'm even going through all these test. it's time for a serious over-haul in my lifestyle. i wish i could just focus all of my time to getting healthier sans a 7:30a-5:00p job. people keep telling me that this is the time to focus on myself, i supposed they're right. if a 650 lbs man can lose over 400 lbs, why shouldn't i be able to drop 100? i've been over-weight most of my life and i've held myself back from a lot of things because of it. I'm ready to live, to experience new things, and a healthier life at that.

wish me luck on this weight loss journey and keep me in your prayers. i'm tired (shocker...) and i need to get myself hooked up to this machine. off to bed...

g'nite!

here we go again...

just signed up for WeightWatchers for the bajillionth time, this time i'm trying it on-line...all by myself, no meetings. my dad said he'd do the program with me which is nice, usually makes things a little easier/fun when someone is suffering, er - trudging along with you. i need to be way more healthy than i currently am, i'm 27 not 72 for goodness sake! losing some lbs will definitely help me out physically in more ways than not. hopefully i can work on my mom and sister, and maybe even the g-ma, to do this too...not that they NEED to lose weight neccessarily, but we all could benefit from staying on a well balanced, healthy diet and exercise program. so i'll be sure to keep you posted on my journey with WW as the weight comes and goes. ;o)

sawing logs...

apparently i snore in my sleep. since when? how weird. any-who, i was sleeping in my new "sleeping chair" in the family area upstairs while my mom was getting ready for work this morning and said she heard me from downstairs, my snoring was THAT loud! uh-oh...maybe i do have sleep apnea. i hope not, but i won't know for sure until i see a specialist. not sure when i'll have the time or money to do that, but if i have to go seen one...then i have to go see one.

i've had the last week off of work, Dr.'s orders, and though i've been busy i feel happier and more at peace with life/myself. perhaps its because i'm away from that place or perhaps its because i've had the time to actually do some of the things that make me happy that i haven't done in a while. i've painted 3 mirrors & a shelf, used a new recipe for blueberry muffins (eh, they're alright...), bought tons of fabric remnants to start quilting with, snapped a good handful of pics, cleaned out my room & the upstairs (i'm talking getting rid of stuff i don't need any more), finger painted with my nephew, and spent some much needed time with the fam. and do you know what? i'm doing pretty good, mentally. all this "doing and cleaning" sort of cleans out the mind, ya know? i'm kind of anxious that going back to work tomorrow will bring back the old unhappy Rachel. but i have to do something that will support myself and i don't know of any "good" jobs out there that will allow me to have fun and still afford to live...any suggestions?

in the mean time my dad and i are looking into taking a photography course at our local community college starting in the fall. i want to learn how to take better shots and learn the basic functions of a camera (ie. "whats an F-stop and what's it for?","shutter speed...what does this do for me?", etc., etc...). it would be not only something fun to do, but it would be some good father-daughter bonding time too.

k, my eyes are getting heavy and i have an early start to my day tomorrow.

found 'er! guys, you can stop looking, i found it!!

Gram and i ventured to several of the furniture stores in the Webster area today, we have to travel else-where to find furniture since Baytown has little to offer, and found a winner at Star Furniture! this was the first stop we made of the day and something about the style, price, and comfort level just stuck with me no matter how many recliners i sat in. So there she is in all her glory on the sales floor in the pic below. ain't she a beaut'!?! she's a black leather Natuzzi recliner...can't wait to pick her up tomorrow, i'm so excited!!

on a mission to find me a "sleeping chair"...

i forgot to mention in my last post that the doc also thinks i could be dealing with sleep apnea, that could explain a lot of my issue too. i'm sure there will be a trip to a specialist for that in the not too distant future too. oh joy...

the doc gave me the week off of work so that i could get some rest and allow some time for my body to properly adjust to the new meds. its been nice getting to spend some time with my sister and nephew. i love my famiy. i dunno if its the fact that i'm coming off the old meds or if i'm having mild difficulties adjusting to the new, but i feel sort of "flighty" when i walk around a lot and i'm still constantly fatigued. this is so much fun...

though i'm supposed to be resting and taking it easy i've been looking for a recliner (doctor's order for the sleep apnea) running here and there, across town and beyond. i went to two locations today and found one at each location that i really like...

Star Furniture Outlet: found this delicious red micro fiber recliner for $400. not too shabby.


The Dump Furniture Store: found this tasty mocha colored micro fiber glider/recliner $369.


both are equally comfy and affordable but i'm leaning more towards the red chair as of right now. tomorrow is a new day and i'm hitting up two other furniture locations to see if i can find either a better deal or something else that i fall in love with. this is exciting!!! i like furniture shopping.

i'm so sleepy and i need to get to my other blog before i catch some Z's. hope you have a fabulous day tomorrow and i'll post a pic of the winning recliner.

later gator! ;o)

change of meds...

today i went to the doc to see if we needed to adjust the dosage of my meds, change them up completely, or just lock me up in the looney-bin (its ok, you can laugh, it was a joke). after quite a thorough discussion with me and my mom both, she decided that the depression meds and the bipolar meds weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing after a year's worth of time...so she up and entirely changed my prescriptions, all of them, even the dosage of my thyroid medication. apparently the results of my last blood test showed that my thyroid levels are currently residing at an unacceptable place, which could be part of the blame of my current condition.

of course when you see the doc you always, ALWAYS step on the "scale of doom" to see how much you've gained or lost....or gained. today was a frustrating day for me, for i found out that i've gained 10 lbs since my last visit to her in April. WHAT?!? when did this happen and why didn't i know about it? i mean yeah, i've noticed that my face looks a little bit thicker lately, but why haven't i noticed so much in the clothing department? seriously though! so she decided it was time, yet again, for the "what are we gonna do about this extra weight?" talk and reminded me that if i don't watch it i could easily end up diabetic. DIABETIC? i think not! my grandfather was literally eaten away by diabetes (he lost both his legs and a finger) and i'll be damned (pardon my french) if i let this "creature" take me too. diabetes is a terrible disease and its one less thing that this poor, messed up body/mind of mine needs to deal with. no thank you sister, next please! so she suggested that i make a visit to an endochrinologist to check out my glands and maybe they can slap me around enough to get this weight off my body (i.e. diet & exercise in-store for sweet darling rachel...ugh!).

i'm 27 and falling apart, this is SOO not cool.

let's just hope that the new meds do what they're supposed to do and that i can actually stick to some sort of meal & workout regimen.

Operation: Body & Mind...Go. Go. Go!



...and as always, please say a little pray for me and my family that we all might get through this.

thank you and g'nite.

happy belated father's day...

(that's my dad over there -> with his new bike helmet he got for father's day...way to rock it Pop!)

7:20-ish a.m., i was greeted into the new day by the hired lawn crew at the model homes that just so happen to be directly across the street from us. it's saturday people, the one day out of the week that i get to sleep in...cut a gal a break, that mess can wait 'til later.

my sister and my nephew dropped by for breakfast. we hung out for a bit then made a quick run to Tuesday Morning where i bought one more set of my new plates. so exciting! then it was home to get ourselves dressed and headed off to my cousin's wedding shower. good gosh it was a scorcher today!! just our luck, the house that the shower was thrown at felt like there was absolutely NO air circulating throughout. we were sweltering and sweating with the best of 'em, but she had a good turn out and ended up scoring pretty good in the loot department. fortunately i was too hot to remember how sad/jealous i was that its she getting married and not i, so i didn't cry once today. woo hoo!!

we got home just in time to head off to dinner with dad for his belated father's day. as i mentioned in a previous post he was off on a kayaking trip this past week. today was the best day for us all to celebrate, so we took him to dinner at Pappa's Seafood where we stuffed our bellies so full we swore they were about to burst.

all in all today was a "good day". though my family might drive me crazy at times, i think they are also the best remedy to cheer me up.

this girl is sleepy and needs her beauty rest. peace out! ;o)

the fall of a king...

i was driving home from work last night when i heard the news that Michael Jackson, the King of Pop himself, had suffered a cardiac arrest. less than an hour later they announced his death. it was a tragedy that his life ended so early, he was only 50 yrs old. this man, despite all the accusations and oddities of the later years in his life, had the ability to create masterpieces for our minds and ears. it's sad to say he's gone, but he left his thumbprint on the world with his music and for that he will always be remembered.

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it's friday. i'm still so tired. what's new...

i remember a time when i used to be happy, when the world was my canvas, mine to paint and create. i miss the innocence of being a child, of not having any worries, and the days when mom & dad could fix everything. the comfort of being in their arms and a kiss made the world a better place, it was as if they had magical powers. its still nice to get a hug and a kiss from them, yet somehow they've lost their "magic" to heal every hurt and bruise that i come across in my life. i thank you mom and dad for all the magic you've showered on me over the years!

i watched my nephew Reese last night while my sister and brother-in-law went to a retirement party. that little boy brightens up even the ugliest of my days. he's always doing something to make me laugh. he's such a perfect little person with not only a beautiful face, but also a beautiful soul.

since dad was out of town for Father's Day, we're celebrating it with him tomorrow night. not quite sure where we're going to eat just yet, but i'm sure it'll be something delectible!

my younger cousin is getting married in a few months; going to one of her showers tomorrow...oh how i'm looking forward to it, NOT! please don't get me wrong because i'm really happy for her, i am...but the jealousy i feel for her getting married before me overrides the happy. it's not fair. life isn't fair. is there some rule that i'm not aware of that says "if you want something bad enough, you just won't get it"? seriously though, i don't think theres another human being who wants to be married with a family as bad as i do. everyone says enjoy being single while you can, this is YOUR time. well you know what? i've had 27 yrs of MY time and i'm tired of the solitude. doing everything alone isn't all its cracked up to be. i'm ready to share "my time" with someone else. apparently what i want for me isn't coinciding with what God wants for me. so what is it that He wants for/from me anyway, because i'm not seeing it. what is His plan for Rachel? i'm floundering here, i need a push and a shove in the right direction because i'm so completely lost its not even funny.

whew! settle down sister, take it easy...i think i better stop blogging for now.

later.

hopes of a brand new day...

so today was pretty uneventful. i somehow numbed my feelings causing me to neither be happy or sad. i was just there. a living, breathing being occupying one cubicle in an office where those around me busied themselves, progressing through the piles of work on their desks.

for me, time seemed to drag. the intensity of my feelings and moods are wearing me out leaving me exhausted. it just feels like the days are getting longer and longer, especially when you can't focus for more than 5 minutes to get your work done. tomorrow is friday and i hope knowing that the weekend is at the cusp of my sleeves, i'll be able to buckle down and show those invoices who's boss...then again it might make my focus THAT much worse.

some of you probably wonder why i even bother with this blog a.) because it bores you, b.) it bothers you, or c.) has no effect on you what-so-ever, but this blog serves as a therapy of sorts for me. it allows me to release the negativity and worries that i deal with on a daily basis, and it helps give you a little insight into the world and life of one variation of bipolar. maybe we all have something to learn from this. maybe you can help me get beyond this turmoil of the here and now, and in turn i can help you learn more about the disorder.

i must say that i have a much appreciated handful of people in my life that are doing all they can to help me seek the proper help i need. they know who they are and to you...i am thankful. surely we can pull through this together.

i'm super tired so i'm calling it a night.

tomorrow is a brand new day.
keep your fingers crossed that its a good one.

g'nite.

the morning after...

i woke up this morning in a good mood, not a "high", but just good. and i'm still extremely tired from yesterdays episode.

i've decided that i probably need to start seeing my therapist on a regular basis again and maybe, in correlation to that, i might need to seek out a support group. it might be interesting to see how others deal, or not deal, with this same issue.

this hasn't been something that i would've chosen for myself, but it's my journey and i'm going to do all i can to better myself and get through each day to the best of my ability, whatever that might mean.

i'll post something this evening to let you know if today was a success or disaster. lets pray that today is a good day.

thanks.

how do i even begin to explain this...

so i'm bipolar. what is that? you ask...it's hard to give it a definite definition but in short it's a chemical imbalance that causes severe mood swings at any given moment. on the Abilify site, it defines bipolar disorder as such, "People with Bipolar Disorder experience extreme mood swings that can take three different forms: manic, depressive, and mixed episodes. Symptoms can include both a lowering of mood (depression) and an exaggerated elevation of mood (mania)". some of the known symptoms, that i relate to, are:

* Being easily distracted (your attention shifts between many topics in just a few minutes)
* Racing thoughts
* Risky or impulsive behavior, like sexual promiscuity or excessive spending sprees
* Insomnia or hypersomnia (excessive sleeping) nearly every day
* Fatigue or loss of energy
* Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
* Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
* Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal thoughts without a
specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide

(to learn more about this disorder, check out the site for abilify)

i was diagnosed a little over a year ago and i've had my fair share of episodes. i take the medication Abilify to regulate the moods and symptoms. i typically try not to make it known that i struggle with this disorder and tend to keep it to myself when things get bad. maybe this is why i keep to myself a lot. i'm very self-conscious about this situation and somewhat embarrassed by it, but the episodes are getting worse again and getting harder to hide, so i figured i would try to explain/describe to you how life is for me on a daily basis so maybe you can better understand me and my actions.

today for example:
i woke up in an extremely good mood, something that i rarely experience as of late. i get to work and things are going good; i'm smiling, cutting up with people, and being super productive...then out of nowhere *-BAM-* a switch has been flipped and i'm bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. i tell myself to just sit tight because this will pass in a moment, but it doesn't. for three hours straight i've sat at my desk sobbing, so much that i have salt residue stuck to the underside of my chin (i checked this in the restroom mirror on my way out), its like i'm at war with a demon, or several, in my mind. thoughts are racing, dark-negative thoughts that i just can't ditch. i want to crawl out of my skin. rip my brain open and pull all the mess out. something....help!!! i've had all i can take. i'm worn out and exhausted so i leave work an hour early.

i conversed with my mom while all of this was going on and i decided that perhaps its time to visit my doctor again, maybe we need to adjust the dosage. i tried to see her today but she's out for the week, soooo i set a time to see her on this coming monday. wish us all luck that we can resolve this issue quick and easy. i say "resolve" like theres a finite soultion, this will never completely go away but i hope that we can make me feel a bit more "normal" and rational again.

this disorder leaves me feeling hopeless and misunderstood, because honestly, how can you relate if you aren't dealing with this yourself?

i worry that this will effect my ability to keep a full-time job.
i worry that this will keep me from experiencing life to the fullest.
i worry that this will keep me from ever being truly happy.
i worry that this will effect my family and my relationship with them and my friends.
i just want to feel "normal" again.

if you have any questions for me, about any of this, please feel free to ask.
as for now i'm tired and i have to wake up in 6 1/2 hours so i better get to bed.

g'nite.

an unusually good start...

i woke up in an unusually good mood this morning, not sure what thats all about but i'm not complaining.

i have an appointment with my therapist, Beth Wade @ Memorial Church of Chirst, coming up on July 16. can't wait, we have so much to talk about and discuss. hopefully she can help get me out of this perpetual funk that has become my life. contrary to most of your beliefs, i really don't like being so pessimistic all the time. the interesting thing is, and i was thinking about this the other day, is that i didn't used to be like this. i can remember back in the day, high school especially, people would ask me why i smiled so much. i don't know if it was because i was trying to over-compensate for the fact that i was truly sad inside or if i was just THAT happy to be around other people my age and away from the turmoil at home. i used to have such high hopes and dreams for myself, now i'm some-what satisfied if i can make it through the day with a smile on my face. i want to get back to that place where i look forward to each new day and what it might bring me...perhaps i'll find it again one day.

i haven't been the best Christian i can be either. i know that i'm lacking in a lot of areas in my life, but this is one area that i should be on top of my game as much as possible. i don't read my Bible or pray regularly enough. i don't do enough for other people, heck i barely do enough for me other than dwell on the negatives and what i don't have. i want to be strong again. i used to actually attend every service/function/event that our Church held...now i do good to make Sunday mornings. i don't quite know when i fell away, but its time to get back into the swing of things.

if you pray, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as i'm on this journey to meld the old me with the new me, to find my place in this world and try to find the sane/rational Rachel again.

hope you have a super day. make it worthwhile for we aren't promised another moment to make memories and brighten someone's day.

much love, rae

Patch sitting...

while Dad's away on a kayaking trip I've been left to dog/house sit for the week. Patch is a wonderful sleeping buddy, and its nice to have someone/thing get so excited to see you when you get home. He's my li'l brother, in a sense, and i love him dearly. Here's a pic of my sweet little buddy...

what's a girl to do...

I'm 27 yrs old and I have a good job, they really take care of me where I'm at, but I'm just not satisfied. Is this what being an adult is all about, settling for something average/mediocre just to survive? Don't get me wrong, I know that I have a lot (i.e. a wonderful family, a job, a car, a house, etc...) but there are things in life that I feel like I'm missing out on. I want a job that I actually enjoy and can't wait to get to. I want a husband and a family of my own. I want to be financially stable (and thensome).

I want to do something in music (sing) or art, sans teaching...but how do you find the cool jobs and be successful in these industries without being "famous"?

I'd love to sing but I tend to hold myself back because of my weight. Why do I do that you ask? Because the media & masses flock to skinny like white on rice. It's more "appealing" if a pretty voice comes from a pretty package...and well, I just don't fit the typical popular package. So what do I do? Instead of allowing others to douse me with their negativity, I drown myself in my own, instead of fixing the issue. I somehow lack the motivation and devotion one needs to lose weight and keep it off. It'll be a miracle if I ever get & stay under 200 lbs.

I also blame my weight as the reason I've never had a serious, meaningful relationship. After so many years of rejection and never knowing what it's like to be "in-love", you have to wonder why? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a mutant that's just incapable of being wanted & loved? All I want is one, ONE, man out of the bajillion on this planet to pick me to spend the rest of their lives with. Someone who shares the same hopes and dreams as me, someone who wants to create life with me (yes, I mean children). So I'm 27 and so completely far from skinny its not even funny so we'll just call ourselves "fat", and the majority of my friends and family are married (with children), engaged, or are in a committed/serious relationship. Let me tell you how much fun it is to watch everyone around you experience life while you sit on the sidelines waiting your turn...a turn that isn't guaranteed...

UGH!!!

I'm just ready for new pages and chapters to begin and old ones to end in my life.

Perhaps I won't always rant on here. Perhaps I'll occasionally have that rare "happy" day and enlighten you with something uplifting...but as for this very hour of this very day...I'm one sad, lost, and confused Rae, and i just need to rant.