Ms. Diagnosed...

hello again! it's been a while hasn't it...sorry for disappearing on you. i'll try not to let so many days go by between posts from here on out. pinkie swear! ;o)

so i guess you're wondering how the overnight oximetry turned out? test results: nothing out of the ordinary, all in all the readings were pretty normal. good news right? so i went back to the doctor to see about changing up the meds since i was, and still am, having an extremely difficult time waking up in the mornings and feeling sluggish throughout the majority of the day AND i was having some anxiety issues along with obsessive compulsive acts (i.e. biting my nails even though they are nubs and picking at my face). BUT she (doctor) and I have tried numerous pill concoctions over the years and she doesn't feel comfortable mixing and matching medications any more, so she referred me to see Dr. Ahmed, a medical specialist, who knows a lot about medicines and how they react with each other and is very studied in the psychiatric field.

i arrive at my appointment a little nervous and apprehensive because honestly, at this point i feel like there isn't much hope in fixing my issues, so why bother? whats this guy gonna do for me that she couldn't? but after an hour and a half of sitting in the lobby i finally get called back to see him. we discuss a bit of why i came to see him (bipolar, obsessive tendencies, excessive sleepiness, to FIX me!?!, etc...) and some of my history. within 15-20 mins he concludes that i am in fact NOT bipolar but am, and have been, suffering with the frustration and exhaustion of battling an untreated case of A.D.D.

whew, what a relief! so thats it, we've been treating the wrong thing! this explains a lot...like how i get uber excited when starting new projects but have the hardest time staying focused/on task to finish them. why i have such a hard time focusing in a classroom setting. why i'm running late to work all the time. why i feel so insecure about myself. he says that more than likely i've had it the majority of my life and have some how learned to cope with it in different situations (i.e. school, work, etc) but because its been untreated, my mind has grown tired and frustrated with the lack of help. since it seemed he knew what he was talking about i felt more at ease, more hopeful that together we could fix the problem. i was told that the treatment of A.D.D. is 20% meds and 80% talking things out with a therapist. so i will continue seeing both he and Beth (therapist) every few weeks for a while until things straighten themselves out.

as an extra diagnostic precaution, he scheduled me for an actual sleep test so we can once and for all be certain i am not struggling with sleep apnea and/or see if there are any neurological issues to address. I did the test last friday night and got very little sleep. i doubt that i was even asleep long enough for them to get a proper reading, but thats what they get for telling me to sleep on my back which i NEVER do. i'm a side/belly sleeper so when i would wake up to re-adjust my position in bed, i reminded myself that the technician would be in to turn me back on to my backside if i moved, so i would just lay there uncomfortable and awake until i fell asleep again...what felt like 3 hours later. i go see Dr. Ahmed (medical specialist) tomorrow to get the results from the sleep study and discuss my current medicine combination. (more on this tomorrow)

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lately i've been quite the optimist. this is an unusual occurrence from my typical pessimist self, but i must say i enjoy it. life just taste better when you rid it of all the bitterness we create. instead of rushing around and stressing myself out over silly nonsense, i take more time to live in the here and now and truly enjoy the wonderfulness that is my life. i kid you not, i have it pretty good. i have my health, a family that loves me despise all my weird quirks, a handful of close friends, and most importantly i'm repairing my relationship with God. for a while i chose to ignore Him and what He had to say. i blindly walked down life's road confident that i could do things on my own without Him. but that landed me face first in a muddy pit where life seldom seemed worth living. recently something sparked a change within and i have since wiped the mud out of my eyes and realized that I do need Him far much more than i ever knew. and do you know what? He was there waiting on me to come around the whole time, waiting at the edge of the pit ready to lift me out the second i asked for His help. I try to see the good in everything that i can and leave the negative thoughts in the past. who has time for the bad when there is so much good to see and do!?!

in the not so distant past i struggled with jealousy & envy. "everyone" had what i wanted. life "never" worked out for me. why did they get things and not me? i can't say that i've found the answer to that yet, but i do know that the Lord will only give us as much as we can handle and i believe and have faith that He knows exactly what we need, and will provide accordingly. all we have to do is pray and give it to Him. "knock, and the door will be opened. ask, and ye shall receive."

i'm not trying to preach to you, only to enlighten you of my own recent epiphany. life is too short and too precious to carry the weight of worry, jealousy, and envy. we have to be happy with what we have. accept the things we can not change and change the things we can. nobody stops us from achieving our wildest dreams. only we have the power to say what we can and can not do. this is mostly directed at myself, a daily reminder to me if you will.

i guess thats about it for now. why not share a smile with a stranger today. you might just be the light that clears the muck and gloom from their world, if even for one second! ;o)