...insulin resistant which also means you are pre-diabetic." wait, what!?! i came in to see how my thyroid levels were doing and you tell me i'm...what? no, no, no, no, no, no, no. this can't be happening. i mean, i know i'm overweight, but not to the point that i could potentially be diagnosed with diabetes, surely you've mistaken my chart with someone else's...
when...how did i let things get so out of control? and any way, for the past month i've been working my butt off eating right and exercising. i've been improving my health, not making it worse...
he continues, telling me something about high testosterone levels and high levels of fatty cells in my liver...none of which are "life threatening", but we'll need to put you on medication to regulate these issues.
doc then rambles on about some important facts, blood work, follow up visits, things i can do to counteract current issues from progressing to a full-on diagnosis of diabetes...i should really be paying attention and take this all in. with a "calm" appearance i look at him, focused on his mouth as he forms each word, but all i'm hearing is the voice in my head freaking out...and she screams.
i smile and nod, accept the pamphlet he hands me, agree to take the new meds that will help my body do what it needs to do to "fix" the issues, make a follow up appointment, and i'm on my way.
once in my car and back on my way to work, i immediately call my parents to inform them of my findings. both a little shocked and concerned but "you're already making positive changes, you can beat this!". I get to work with just enough time to have a sit-down with my boss to let him know what's going on with me before i turn around and leave so that i can meet my appointment time with my other doctor. all is well with that visit and i head home.
i go to dad's to start dinner. cooking, alone with my thoughts, i worry what the future holds. "even if i lose a significant amount of weight and am once again insulin tolerrant, how do i know that i won't be diagnosed "diabetic" further down the road?", "i don't want to lose my fingers and legs to this beast like my poor Granddaddy did. i'm not ready to die..."
i feel heavy, like a weight has been put on my shoulders, am mentally exhausted, and it feels like a huge knot has formed in the pit of my stomach...sleep seems like a nice escape.
after dinner i head to mom's. i shower and finally, i break down. as the water falls on my face, tears escape my eyes. they come so forcefully that i'm left gasping for air. i finish up, compose myself, and plop on the couch next to mom. i look at the tv but i don't watch it. i zone out as too many thoughts race through my mind, each one furiously demanding my attention. she's totally into her show. i sit, silently crying...she doesn't even notice.
i decide it's finally time to attempt sleep so i leave without a word and make my way to my room. alone with my thoughts once again, i break down in tears. i am now utterly and completely worn out, i've had enough for one day. surely a good nights rest can mend my mind...
g'nite readers. wish me luck!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Ms. Diagnosed...
hello again! it's been a while hasn't it...sorry for disappearing on you. i'll try not to let so many days go by between posts from here on out. pinkie swear! ;o)
so i guess you're wondering how the overnight oximetry turned out? test results: nothing out of the ordinary, all in all the readings were pretty normal. good news right? so i went back to the doctor to see about changing up the meds since i was, and still am, having an extremely difficult time waking up in the mornings and feeling sluggish throughout the majority of the day AND i was having some anxiety issues along with obsessive compulsive acts (i.e. biting my nails even though they are nubs and picking at my face). BUT she (doctor) and I have tried numerous pill concoctions over the years and she doesn't feel comfortable mixing and matching medications any more, so she referred me to see Dr. Ahmed, a medical specialist, who knows a lot about medicines and how they react with each other and is very studied in the psychiatric field.
i arrive at my appointment a little nervous and apprehensive because honestly, at this point i feel like there isn't much hope in fixing my issues, so why bother? whats this guy gonna do for me that she couldn't? but after an hour and a half of sitting in the lobby i finally get called back to see him. we discuss a bit of why i came to see him (bipolar, obsessive tendencies, excessive sleepiness, to FIX me!?!, etc...) and some of my history. within 15-20 mins he concludes that i am in fact NOT bipolar but am, and have been, suffering with the frustration and exhaustion of battling an untreated case of A.D.D.
whew, what a relief! so thats it, we've been treating the wrong thing! this explains a lot...like how i get uber excited when starting new projects but have the hardest time staying focused/on task to finish them. why i have such a hard time focusing in a classroom setting. why i'm running late to work all the time. why i feel so insecure about myself. he says that more than likely i've had it the majority of my life and have some how learned to cope with it in different situations (i.e. school, work, etc) but because its been untreated, my mind has grown tired and frustrated with the lack of help. since it seemed he knew what he was talking about i felt more at ease, more hopeful that together we could fix the problem. i was told that the treatment of A.D.D. is 20% meds and 80% talking things out with a therapist. so i will continue seeing both he and Beth (therapist) every few weeks for a while until things straighten themselves out.
as an extra diagnostic precaution, he scheduled me for an actual sleep test so we can once and for all be certain i am not struggling with sleep apnea and/or see if there are any neurological issues to address. I did the test last friday night and got very little sleep. i doubt that i was even asleep long enough for them to get a proper reading, but thats what they get for telling me to sleep on my back which i NEVER do. i'm a side/belly sleeper so when i would wake up to re-adjust my position in bed, i reminded myself that the technician would be in to turn me back on to my backside if i moved, so i would just lay there uncomfortable and awake until i fell asleep again...what felt like 3 hours later. i go see Dr. Ahmed (medical specialist) tomorrow to get the results from the sleep study and discuss my current medicine combination. (more on this tomorrow)
******************************************************
lately i've been quite the optimist. this is an unusual occurrence from my typical pessimist self, but i must say i enjoy it. life just taste better when you rid it of all the bitterness we create. instead of rushing around and stressing myself out over silly nonsense, i take more time to live in the here and now and truly enjoy the wonderfulness that is my life. i kid you not, i have it pretty good. i have my health, a family that loves me despise all my weird quirks, a handful of close friends, and most importantly i'm repairing my relationship with God. for a while i chose to ignore Him and what He had to say. i blindly walked down life's road confident that i could do things on my own without Him. but that landed me face first in a muddy pit where life seldom seemed worth living. recently something sparked a change within and i have since wiped the mud out of my eyes and realized that I do need Him far much more than i ever knew. and do you know what? He was there waiting on me to come around the whole time, waiting at the edge of the pit ready to lift me out the second i asked for His help. I try to see the good in everything that i can and leave the negative thoughts in the past. who has time for the bad when there is so much good to see and do!?!
in the not so distant past i struggled with jealousy & envy. "everyone" had what i wanted. life "never" worked out for me. why did they get things and not me? i can't say that i've found the answer to that yet, but i do know that the Lord will only give us as much as we can handle and i believe and have faith that He knows exactly what we need, and will provide accordingly. all we have to do is pray and give it to Him. "knock, and the door will be opened. ask, and ye shall receive."
i'm not trying to preach to you, only to enlighten you of my own recent epiphany. life is too short and too precious to carry the weight of worry, jealousy, and envy. we have to be happy with what we have. accept the things we can not change and change the things we can. nobody stops us from achieving our wildest dreams. only we have the power to say what we can and can not do. this is mostly directed at myself, a daily reminder to me if you will.
i guess thats about it for now. why not share a smile with a stranger today. you might just be the light that clears the muck and gloom from their world, if even for one second! ;o)
so i guess you're wondering how the overnight oximetry turned out? test results: nothing out of the ordinary, all in all the readings were pretty normal. good news right? so i went back to the doctor to see about changing up the meds since i was, and still am, having an extremely difficult time waking up in the mornings and feeling sluggish throughout the majority of the day AND i was having some anxiety issues along with obsessive compulsive acts (i.e. biting my nails even though they are nubs and picking at my face). BUT she (doctor) and I have tried numerous pill concoctions over the years and she doesn't feel comfortable mixing and matching medications any more, so she referred me to see Dr. Ahmed, a medical specialist, who knows a lot about medicines and how they react with each other and is very studied in the psychiatric field.
i arrive at my appointment a little nervous and apprehensive because honestly, at this point i feel like there isn't much hope in fixing my issues, so why bother? whats this guy gonna do for me that she couldn't? but after an hour and a half of sitting in the lobby i finally get called back to see him. we discuss a bit of why i came to see him (bipolar, obsessive tendencies, excessive sleepiness, to FIX me!?!, etc...) and some of my history. within 15-20 mins he concludes that i am in fact NOT bipolar but am, and have been, suffering with the frustration and exhaustion of battling an untreated case of A.D.D.
whew, what a relief! so thats it, we've been treating the wrong thing! this explains a lot...like how i get uber excited when starting new projects but have the hardest time staying focused/on task to finish them. why i have such a hard time focusing in a classroom setting. why i'm running late to work all the time. why i feel so insecure about myself. he says that more than likely i've had it the majority of my life and have some how learned to cope with it in different situations (i.e. school, work, etc) but because its been untreated, my mind has grown tired and frustrated with the lack of help. since it seemed he knew what he was talking about i felt more at ease, more hopeful that together we could fix the problem. i was told that the treatment of A.D.D. is 20% meds and 80% talking things out with a therapist. so i will continue seeing both he and Beth (therapist) every few weeks for a while until things straighten themselves out.
as an extra diagnostic precaution, he scheduled me for an actual sleep test so we can once and for all be certain i am not struggling with sleep apnea and/or see if there are any neurological issues to address. I did the test last friday night and got very little sleep. i doubt that i was even asleep long enough for them to get a proper reading, but thats what they get for telling me to sleep on my back which i NEVER do. i'm a side/belly sleeper so when i would wake up to re-adjust my position in bed, i reminded myself that the technician would be in to turn me back on to my backside if i moved, so i would just lay there uncomfortable and awake until i fell asleep again...what felt like 3 hours later. i go see Dr. Ahmed (medical specialist) tomorrow to get the results from the sleep study and discuss my current medicine combination. (more on this tomorrow)
******************************************************
lately i've been quite the optimist. this is an unusual occurrence from my typical pessimist self, but i must say i enjoy it. life just taste better when you rid it of all the bitterness we create. instead of rushing around and stressing myself out over silly nonsense, i take more time to live in the here and now and truly enjoy the wonderfulness that is my life. i kid you not, i have it pretty good. i have my health, a family that loves me despise all my weird quirks, a handful of close friends, and most importantly i'm repairing my relationship with God. for a while i chose to ignore Him and what He had to say. i blindly walked down life's road confident that i could do things on my own without Him. but that landed me face first in a muddy pit where life seldom seemed worth living. recently something sparked a change within and i have since wiped the mud out of my eyes and realized that I do need Him far much more than i ever knew. and do you know what? He was there waiting on me to come around the whole time, waiting at the edge of the pit ready to lift me out the second i asked for His help. I try to see the good in everything that i can and leave the negative thoughts in the past. who has time for the bad when there is so much good to see and do!?!
in the not so distant past i struggled with jealousy & envy. "everyone" had what i wanted. life "never" worked out for me. why did they get things and not me? i can't say that i've found the answer to that yet, but i do know that the Lord will only give us as much as we can handle and i believe and have faith that He knows exactly what we need, and will provide accordingly. all we have to do is pray and give it to Him. "knock, and the door will be opened. ask, and ye shall receive."
i'm not trying to preach to you, only to enlighten you of my own recent epiphany. life is too short and too precious to carry the weight of worry, jealousy, and envy. we have to be happy with what we have. accept the things we can not change and change the things we can. nobody stops us from achieving our wildest dreams. only we have the power to say what we can and can not do. this is mostly directed at myself, a daily reminder to me if you will.
i guess thats about it for now. why not share a smile with a stranger today. you might just be the light that clears the muck and gloom from their world, if even for one second! ;o)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Overnight Oximetry...
i had an appointment with the doc yesterday and she decided we need to do an overnight oximetry on me; this will test my blood's oxygen saturation level while i'm sleeping. the test will help us determine if i have sleep apnea and if so allow us to take the proper steps to correct this issue. a major part in this process, and something i should be focusing on 24/7 any way, is weight loss, weight loss, weight loss. i'm 27 yrs old. i shouldn't be so unhealthy that i'm not breathing right during sleep...if indeed this is the case. when did this even happen? i don't "feel" that unhealthy. but the scale doesn't lie, nor the fact that i'm even going through all these test. it's time for a serious over-haul in my lifestyle. i wish i could just focus all of my time to getting healthier sans a 7:30a-5:00p job. people keep telling me that this is the time to focus on myself, i supposed they're right. if a 650 lbs man can lose over 400 lbs, why shouldn't i be able to drop 100? i've been over-weight most of my life and i've held myself back from a lot of things because of it. I'm ready to live, to experience new things, and a healthier life at that.
wish me luck on this weight loss journey and keep me in your prayers. i'm tired (shocker...) and i need to get myself hooked up to this machine. off to bed...
g'nite!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
here we go again...
just signed up for WeightWatchers for the bajillionth time, this time i'm trying it on-line...all by myself, no meetings. my dad said he'd do the program with me which is nice, usually makes things a little easier/fun when someone is suffering, er - trudging along with you. i need to be way more healthy than i currently am, i'm 27 not 72 for goodness sake! losing some lbs will definitely help me out physically in more ways than not. hopefully i can work on my mom and sister, and maybe even the g-ma, to do this too...not that they NEED to lose weight neccessarily, but we all could benefit from staying on a well balanced, healthy diet and exercise program. so i'll be sure to keep you posted on my journey with WW as the weight comes and goes. ;o)
Monday, July 6, 2009
sawing logs...
apparently i snore in my sleep. since when? how weird. any-who, i was sleeping in my new "sleeping chair" in the family area upstairs while my mom was getting ready for work this morning and said she heard me from downstairs, my snoring was THAT loud! uh-oh...maybe i do have sleep apnea. i hope not, but i won't know for sure until i see a specialist. not sure when i'll have the time or money to do that, but if i have to go seen one...then i have to go see one.
i've had the last week off of work, Dr.'s orders, and though i've been busy i feel happier and more at peace with life/myself. perhaps its because i'm away from that place or perhaps its because i've had the time to actually do some of the things that make me happy that i haven't done in a while. i've painted 3 mirrors & a shelf, used a new recipe for blueberry muffins (eh, they're alright...), bought tons of fabric remnants to start quilting with, snapped a good handful of pics, cleaned out my room & the upstairs (i'm talking getting rid of stuff i don't need any more), finger painted with my nephew, and spent some much needed time with the fam. and do you know what? i'm doing pretty good, mentally. all this "doing and cleaning" sort of cleans out the mind, ya know? i'm kind of anxious that going back to work tomorrow will bring back the old unhappy Rachel. but i have to do something that will support myself and i don't know of any "good" jobs out there that will allow me to have fun and still afford to live...any suggestions?
in the mean time my dad and i are looking into taking a photography course at our local community college starting in the fall. i want to learn how to take better shots and learn the basic functions of a camera (ie. "whats an F-stop and what's it for?","shutter speed...what does this do for me?", etc., etc...). it would be not only something fun to do, but it would be some good father-daughter bonding time too.
k, my eyes are getting heavy and i have an early start to my day tomorrow.
i've had the last week off of work, Dr.'s orders, and though i've been busy i feel happier and more at peace with life/myself. perhaps its because i'm away from that place or perhaps its because i've had the time to actually do some of the things that make me happy that i haven't done in a while. i've painted 3 mirrors & a shelf, used a new recipe for blueberry muffins (eh, they're alright...), bought tons of fabric remnants to start quilting with, snapped a good handful of pics, cleaned out my room & the upstairs (i'm talking getting rid of stuff i don't need any more), finger painted with my nephew, and spent some much needed time with the fam. and do you know what? i'm doing pretty good, mentally. all this "doing and cleaning" sort of cleans out the mind, ya know? i'm kind of anxious that going back to work tomorrow will bring back the old unhappy Rachel. but i have to do something that will support myself and i don't know of any "good" jobs out there that will allow me to have fun and still afford to live...any suggestions?
in the mean time my dad and i are looking into taking a photography course at our local community college starting in the fall. i want to learn how to take better shots and learn the basic functions of a camera (ie. "whats an F-stop and what's it for?","shutter speed...what does this do for me?", etc., etc...). it would be not only something fun to do, but it would be some good father-daughter bonding time too.
k, my eyes are getting heavy and i have an early start to my day tomorrow.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
found 'er! guys, you can stop looking, i found it!!
Gram and i ventured to several of the furniture stores in the Webster area today, we have to travel else-where to find furniture since Baytown has little to offer, and found a winner at Star Furniture! this was the first stop we made of the day and something about the style, price, and comfort level just stuck with me no matter how many recliners i sat in. So there she is in all her glory on the sales floor in the pic below. ain't she a beaut'!?! she's a black leather Natuzzi recliner...can't wait to pick her up tomorrow, i'm so excited!!
on a mission to find me a "sleeping chair"...
i forgot to mention in my last post that the doc also thinks i could be dealing with sleep apnea, that could explain a lot of my issue too. i'm sure there will be a trip to a specialist for that in the not too distant future too. oh joy...
the doc gave me the week off of work so that i could get some rest and allow some time for my body to properly adjust to the new meds. its been nice getting to spend some time with my sister and nephew. i love my famiy. i dunno if its the fact that i'm coming off the old meds or if i'm having mild difficulties adjusting to the new, but i feel sort of "flighty" when i walk around a lot and i'm still constantly fatigued. this is so much fun...
though i'm supposed to be resting and taking it easy i've been looking for a recliner (doctor's order for the sleep apnea) running here and there, across town and beyond. i went to two locations today and found one at each location that i really like...
Star Furniture Outlet: found this delicious red micro fiber recliner for $400. not too shabby.
The Dump Furniture Store: found this tasty mocha colored micro fiber glider/recliner $369.
both are equally comfy and affordable but i'm leaning more towards the red chair as of right now. tomorrow is a new day and i'm hitting up two other furniture locations to see if i can find either a better deal or something else that i fall in love with. this is exciting!!! i like furniture shopping.
i'm so sleepy and i need to get to my other blog before i catch some Z's. hope you have a fabulous day tomorrow and i'll post a pic of the winning recliner.
later gator! ;o)
the doc gave me the week off of work so that i could get some rest and allow some time for my body to properly adjust to the new meds. its been nice getting to spend some time with my sister and nephew. i love my famiy. i dunno if its the fact that i'm coming off the old meds or if i'm having mild difficulties adjusting to the new, but i feel sort of "flighty" when i walk around a lot and i'm still constantly fatigued. this is so much fun...
though i'm supposed to be resting and taking it easy i've been looking for a recliner (doctor's order for the sleep apnea) running here and there, across town and beyond. i went to two locations today and found one at each location that i really like...
Star Furniture Outlet: found this delicious red micro fiber recliner for $400. not too shabby.
The Dump Furniture Store: found this tasty mocha colored micro fiber glider/recliner $369.
both are equally comfy and affordable but i'm leaning more towards the red chair as of right now. tomorrow is a new day and i'm hitting up two other furniture locations to see if i can find either a better deal or something else that i fall in love with. this is exciting!!! i like furniture shopping.
i'm so sleepy and i need to get to my other blog before i catch some Z's. hope you have a fabulous day tomorrow and i'll post a pic of the winning recliner.
later gator! ;o)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
